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roasted like eva…

by Staff on June 4, 2008

Just when you thought Has-Lo has to be thee worst contributor in WYDU’s sordid and marvelous history…I’m back. You guys will just have to trust me on this. My only mission here is to give it to you straight, No chaser. To give it to you raw, Buttnekkid.

For instance: we’ve all seen the infamous Eli Porter video right? I thought so.

(If you haven’t, here’s your late pass Herby…Hancock)

Pop quiz! Who won that battle? (shuffling sounds and patient meandering) Ok pencils down. You in the back, pencils down. Good, now all together class- thaaaat’s right! Eli.


you don’t…you don’t think Eli won? I’ll tell you how he faked the entire panel out and destroyed Envy.

1. Envy makes the classic mistake of underestimating his opponent and overestimating his own skill level. He’s feeling himself more more than Peewee Herman at a- *pause* bad, bad joke. I…I apologize.

2. Eli is an allegedly mentally challenged person. I however beg to differ. I think Eli is a battle mastermind with the deceptive skill of a young Kyser Soze. Notice the way he begins, seems to run out of things to say and then “messes up”. He stands there in his supposed “retardation” for about 30 seconds or more, Completely disarming his opponent with his unpredictability. The judges (that’s a whole ‘nother post) are completely fooled. They let him start his whole 45 seconds OVER! Eli then delivers his first fatal blow: “you look like Rosie O’donnell at a bisexual bridal shower”.

Ooooooh! *insert sharp wu-tang sword sounds here*

Eli goes on to deliver another 3 fatal rap blows before his time is up…

fatal blow: in a foreshadowing of lines to come Eli sets up with a line about Envy’s prowess with the opposite sex, “this dude like tha- he runnin’ from the cat”. Brutal.

He later follows up-

fatal blow: Eli takes aim at Envy’s complexion, “look at this dude, he need to stay in the shade”, then doubles up with a second shot at Envy’s sexual preference “ain’t no wonder that he came out, he already in the GAY parade!”. Sharpness son.

3. Eli then makes a series of calculated movements that further that sense of the unpredictable Eli has cultivated over the course of the battle.

He fidgets with his lips. He stares vacantly into the sky with such a piercing glance that one wonders if he actually SEES something up there in that ceiling. Then, as he reaches the end he flounders a bit, slipping back into that lovable dolt we’ve all been guilty of clowning at some point or another in our vapid, socially partitioned high school wonder years.

How could that help Eli? It’s simple.

He tricks us into viewing him as a harmless cog in a machine he’ll never understand. As the judges (a whoooole ‘nother post) laugh and make jest, murmuring about Eli’s more memorable lines…I realize he is on par with Edward Norton’s character in Primal Fear. “So there never was a Roy was there?” “Councilor you disappoint me. There never was an Eli. Hahahahaha!”.

Eli should have walked away with an easy victory. Except there was something he didn’t anticipate…

Eli’s game actually swayed one of the judges. Still the social classism of high school snatches the win back from his plotting hands. The first judge may have just been a domineering spirit. Not afraid to speak and feel the way he likes, regardless of what his peers think.

The herd mentality is definitely in FULL effect here. From the time Marv-O appears in the frame…gently rubbing his friends chest, to the end of the tape when they enlighten us with witty, fonze-like insights it’s clear. These 3 are inseparable. As such they will guard what popularity they have with passion, and fuuuuuurious anger. They would never jeopardize their social class standing by voting for the “cripple”.

In the end though, it is Eli who walks away with a silent and uncounted victory. As he hobbles down those high school steps and out of site…slowly untwisting his leg until he walks no different than you or I, the puzzled gaze those misled children gossip about…falling away like the petals of a flower as fall sets in…only to hop into a smokey coup waiting at the corner. I pieced it together Eli. I saw through you in the end. I was too late to catch you as i ran from my office…looking around as a slow expression of shock and awareness encompassed my soft but youthful features.

You won the battle Eli…but not the war.


Lo Custamato~

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